Marriage. Ask ten people to define that term and you’ll most likely get ten different answers. That’s because we have all experienced marriage in very different ways. I’ll even go so far as to say that how we experienced marriage as a child (via our parents) has more influence in our lives than even a present-day marriage. Whether it be negative or positive, the marriage relationship is the most influential relationship in our lives.
In addition, I’m convinced that failed marriages DO NOT predestine future generations of failed marriages. As we all know, there’s a choice to make lemonade from the lemons in life and that choice certainly holds true about how you approach marriage. One such choice that has served me and my wife well is the value of getting away – just the two of us. In the pre-kid days, this happened all the time. We would sometimes just get in the car and go for “a drive” where we’d pick a direction and explore – at times riding around for hours. These days, it looks like date-nights sprinkled throughout the months.
Recently, we felt like a few hours a night every month wasn’t enough time to ensure that the primary relationship in our family is running at maximum efficiency. That led to a very intentional set of plans to get away for several days – just the two of us without kids. Please note – we LOVE our kids. We think they are the cat’s meow and couldn’t feel more blessed by those gracious gifts from our Heavenly Father. Having said that, there is a very real need that we’ve neglected too long to relax; to stand down from Red Alert; to focus on each other without interruption.
My wife set the whole thing up – she got two sets of sitters to agree on dates; I didn’t screw up the vacation request at work. She packed the kid’s stuff with military precision; I loaded it into the car. She found it hard to say “goodbye” on day one; I found it hard to wait for her to say “goodbye.”
Then it hit us both and a collective sigh of relief escaped as we literally felt our brains and bodies start to unwind. The weight of parenthood had temporarily been transferred to very capable hands and we were free to act like we were newlyweds – and act we did. Our first stop – brunch at iHop and then four days and three nights of relaxed nothingness.
At the end of our time away, I started to realize something – this wasn’t a luxury only to be enjoyed once every few years like a trip to Disney World, but rather a necessary, a critical part of our marriage that must occur much more often. We are renewed, fulfilled and the spring in our step has returned and I’m convinced that our children need this just as much as we do.
Children need parents that are able to give 110% every single minute – shaping character is hard work and requires a ton of effort that draws from a finite power source. Taking the time to recharge is just what the doctor ordered and we have given ourselves permission to write a prescription that never expires.
When was the last time you took your spouse away for a few days? If it’s been more than six months, you’re due and it’s time. Do each other and your children a favor and plan it this week – whatever the cost, you will not regret it. While you’re away – be sure to relax…after all, it’s just your marriage at stake.
To be a father is the most challenging aspect of life – if done right. The weight of the responsibility is crushing, overwhelming and incomprehensible should you dwell on it for any length of time. As for adoptive dads – we asked for it, begged for it, spent a small fortune just for the chance. So it is with a grateful heart that we accept all that comes with being a dad and on this Father’s Day, let us remember those men that long to give their life away to a child, but simply haven’t been given the “nod.”
For those that get a daily reminder of the dream that has yet to be fulfilled; who are struggling to lead their wives and explain to their friends and family the heartache they feel; who are not giving up and are willing to fight to their last breath for what they KNOW deep down is meant to be – we say hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other because it is SO worth it!
Fatherhood: where the holes and voids inside are filled to overflowing and the dreams are fulfilled beyond imagination – a true resting of the spirit that has been in turmoil for so long. But let us not rest just because the Wait is over – if anything, we must find new energy to lead, love and serve or families like never before. We are reminded internally of the valley when we want to complain about dirty diapers because there was a time when we would have given anything for the smell of a dirty diaper to fill that pristinely prepared baby room.
We still dream big, protech proactively, instruct lovingly, encourage boldly, lead courageously and hug incessently. Our love is fueled by the sacrifices made along the way and nothing will prevent us from giving our all to take advantage of each and every minute. We stand strong against the gates of hell and the forces that want to steal the joy of fatherhood – too much has been overcome to give in and settle for ordinary. Passion and zeal are the expressions of the blessing; strength and courage the weapons of choice; and the knowledge of potential greatness is the fuel that will keep us fighting.
We are leaders, mentors, servants, guides and meant to be the solid rock in the lives of our family. At times, we fail and sputter and even need help getting back up, but we DO get up with renewed determination – asking to be kept in the game because we know our absence is of far greater detriment than anything we do wrong while present.
Fatherhood is a calling and not to be taken lightly. May we not allow the pull of passivity to be the response when the job gets hard. It is time for a new generation of fathers to own the future – real men taking responsibility and fighting for their family’s lives. Success is defined as long-term steadiness and is achieved in the midst of others.
Please take time to encourge (give courage) a father you know – especially those adoptive dads. Their intentional journey into the valley is nothing short of astounding! Do you have a dad you want to brag on?
WARNING: This post starts out a bit nerdy – hang in there and just keep reading.
About a year ago, I was challenged at work with helping to fix a broken process regarding a compliance video that every associate must watch each year. The system in place was hard to use and failed to serve up the video half the time and therefore generated a ton of help desk tickets. It was time for an upgrade…way over time in fact.
My solution was to convert the Windows Media video to Flash Video and serve it up in a browser. There are a ton of benefits – reliable, fast, scalable and, best of all, it doesn’t require any special server-side software (there’s a reason Flash Video is the choice for YouTube and Vimeo). In short – it was the perfect solution. But it sat idle without any interest for over 12 months until just the other day.
The pain must have gotten too high because it had new energy behind it. I was able to dust off the old work and make some new tweaks and about a day later, had developed something that my company has NEVER HAD in their 40+ years in business – a reliable, global video distribution system that tracked whether or not the user finished the video.
Needless to say, I was super excited. Creating things that not only have value for the “customer”, but didn’t exist before I got involved is one of the most rewarding and energizing things I experience. After I got over myself some, I was reminded about Genesis 1 where God created EVERYTHING out of nothing and I am truly in awe. I got just a glimpse of the immense satisfaction of looking at something created and being able to say, “It is good.”
How much more does God look at His Creation and say, “It is good!” The amount of love and pride He feels for each one of us and the world He made for us is beyond my comprehension, but I’m more appreciative of it today and hope I don’t soon forget how special He thinks I am.
My prayer is that you don’t forget how special you are to your Creator – He has known you beyond time and can’t be more excited about the potential inside of you.
Recently, I was talking with a friend that was in the middle of IVF and was reminded of our journey down that road. While it didn’t result in any children, I couldn’t help but think about all that did happen in my heart, faith and spiritual maturity during those dark days. You see, I’ve had a dream of being a father since I was a little boy myself – thinking of how and what I might do differntly when (not if) I got the chance to be a dad.
My bio-dad died when I was four. He and my mother were separated headed for divorce. Eventually my mom remarried and my step-dad ended up being daddy during those formative years until he went to work one day and never came home – divorcing my mom via a postal carrier.
All of those events were cataloged and noted and my mind and heart were being changed to ensure that I didn’t ever repeat the ills done to my family by the figure most important in a son’s life. Fast-forward to my wedding day – a glorious day and one decision that I recall being the most sure of ever. The starting of a family with my wife was another dream that I had held on to diligently – partly because it provided the basis for children.
Several years into our marriage, we decided it was time to start trying for kids and month after month ended in disappointment. Finally, we sought medical help to try and diagnose what was happening. Needless to say, things weren’t working right – in fact, a 0% chance of children naturally was the exact news.
All of these memories flooded back into my mind in a matter of seconds in the conversation with my friend and were almost immediately replaced with the astounding grace and blessings of my two children. I’m amazed at the feelings I have daily when I get to love on my kids and hear them learn and grow – there aren’t words to express my gratitude to the Father for such a blessed home.
A wife who loves me, is proud of me and respects me as a man/husband/father and then two wonderful children that fill my heart to overflowing. While the dream I had growing up of being a dad was something I used to deal with the dysfunction in my own family, it wasn’t nearly big enough to have prepared me for the life I’m living. My wife put it THIS WAY on her blog.
I guess God has a way of blowing us away with Himself. When looking at it from the perspective of an earthly dad wanting the world for his kids, how much more does our Heavenly Father want us to experience His dreams for us. One thing for sure – He has “Blow’d Up” my dreams for sure! Want proof – head over to my wife’s blog – http://aimingarrows.wordpress.com – to see what I’m talking about.
It has gone on long enough and like Popeye, “I’s can’ts takes it no more!” So, here we are in the midst of the most dire economic downturn since the Great Depression (or so “they” say) and our government deems it necessary to give OUR money to various companies because they can’t make ends meet – affectionately called a “bailout.”
First – what a HORRIBLE idea! Why can’t these organizations suffer the consequences of their poor decisions? That one we’ll save for another early morning rant…
Second, they give this money WITHOUT RESTRICTION on what it can be used for. Take AIG for example. They were under contract with their employees to pay bonuses, so when they got the money from O’Bama’s boys, they did what they were bound BY LAW to do and they paid those bonuses. Most of us hear the term “bonus” and think of a $25 gift card to the local grocery store at Christmas – something extra that we weren’t expecting for a job well done. A way for all to feel the fruit of their labor.
That isn’t what goes on in big business. Most sales guys and upper level executives have small salaries compared to the amount of the responsibility they carry. They carry that responsibility because they are financially incented with bonuses to perform – whether it be a lucrative deal or innovation that saves the company money or hitting 125% of a sales quota. The point is that they go above and beyond what it takes to “get by” because the rules state that you will reap a reward when you do. The company is trying to set up a “win/win” for everyone involved – and it WORKS…been working for decades!
So, we have O’Bama vilifying AIG (US government owns 80% now) CEO (government-appointed BTW) for paying these bonuses with bailout money and spending more tax money for his thugs to investigate. All the while being OK with $5B – $7B of earmarks (our money) in the latest spending bill for Democratic pet projects. One is $500K to help Marquette figure out a way to turn human waste into energy – aptly named “Poop to Power”.
When do we get to say, “I’m outraged that you are taking my tax money and wasting it on meaningless pet projects under the guise that it will stimulate the economy.” Frankly – this is the kind of stuff I’d expect from my three year old trying to justify not sharing his Hot Wheels…not my government, except that I do from such a liberal world view…
This has to stop NOW!
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me
And oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so
Yeah He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves
We are His portion, and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy, wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He love us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves
lyrics by John Mark McMillan
This amazing song gets me into the Throne room more quickly and soundly than any other worship song!
For me there exists a line – a tolerance line of lunacy. Lately, the area of my life where this line is being danced upon is our government. Rather than rant ceaselessly, I thought it would be good to list out the series of bad decisions our new President and his “troop” are making that have a direct impact on me and mine.
- FOCA | During the campaign, O’Bama touted his support of the Freedom of Choice Act – a bill that essentially removes a state’s right to decide how to implement Rowe v. Wade and places it in the hands of any doctor’s subjective and arbitrary decision to decide if an abortion can be performed.This bill never became law because it expired at the end of the congressional session. This was also to be a “secure statutory right (13)”, which means that it isn’t an amendment to the Constitution and therefore doesn’t require Congress or the President to vote on it in any form or fashion.The fact that he (and other Democratic members of Congress) wanted to covertly push their pro-abortion agenda speaks volumes to the lengths they will go to get their way.
- Cabinet appointees | O’Bama’s campaign used the term “change” and he included a new strategy to “cross the aisle” to bring about said change. Since winning the office, he has done nothing but appoint (or try to – see Daschele) the most liberal Democratic cronies he can find to the most prominent positions in the government.From that – we have seen nothing but a check writing spree for every liberal program and agenda item that has been kept in check over the past 30 years. All disguised in the “best interest” of the economy – but I’m getting ahead of myself…The point remains that he has not engaged (or required engagement of his team) the Republican leadership in any of his plans to move this country down the road. In fact, it has been a first 50-days characterized as one-sided politics.
- Economic “stimulation” | We’re engaged in a war on terror in the farthest reaches of the Earth – very expensive. The average American has between $10 – $15k of credit card debt. We tolerated $4/gallon gasoline for months.To say the economy has taken some hits is an understatement. In fact, I think I can agree with O’Bama on at least one thing – this has been going on for a long time before he won the office. He wants to attribute it to George Bush because it will help him justify his lunacy to the American people, but the fact is that this kind of regulatory mismanagement has been happening for much longer.So, his solution is to draft a 1,200 page bill, couch it as a way out of the economic slump we’re in, use his influence and the Democratic majority in Congress to push it through and spend almost $800 Billion ($800,000,000,000.00) that he doesn’t have and give it to companies that haven’t been fiscally responsible because he can’t stomach the capitalistic consequences this mismanagement brings.Change – no stimulus, more debt. In fact, the economy continued its downward trend, so he introduces another $750+ Billion package and got it passed. Then drafted a $600+ Billion healthcare reform package and a $410 Billion government spending bill that included over 8,500 Democratic projects that had nothing to do with stimulating the economy – just another vehicle for Democrats to get what they want.So, let’s see – $800B + $750B + $600B + $410B = … carry the one…add the…wow…that’s HUGE… = $2.56T that he’s proposed and of that number, he’s spent (signed into law) almost $2T. And the stock market continues to hover around levels it hasn’t seen in 25 years.Change: no stimulation, more debt in the first 50 days than all other president’s first 50 days combined…by a long shot!But, I’m OK (sorta) up to this point – it’s all money and I have a somewhat easy time giving our fate in this area to God. BUT…MY President has now gone too far…
- Embryonic Stem Cell Research | March 9th, 2009 marked the day that OUR President lifted the ban on federal funding for embryonic stem cell research thus abolishing the ethical, moral and political stigma this type of research has been held in check by. Has this type of research been taking place in the US and other countries before the President’s decision – yes. What benefit has that research yielded – very little, none if you really net it out.On a fiscal note, this is very consistent that O’Bama would throw taxpayer money at something that has no historical precedent of success. On a ethical note, this frees research companies from the burden of convincing the private sector for funding – they essentially get money without anyone asking the hard questions.This freedom will create an enormous amount of energy for existing and new startups to divert resources to something that has the potential for $Trillions in Parkinsons treatments/cure alone. The “profit lust” will move the medical community right by the ethical “embryonic life” questions and will most likely increase embryonic production for research purposes.
So The Line has been crossed by a President in the first 50 days of his administration as I see America being restructured and remade according to a liberal vision. And there are at minimum, 1410 days left – I can’t even begin to fathom what life will look like at that point.
Mr. O’Bama – if you want to stimulate the economy, repeal the Self Employment tax, capital gains tax and suspend income taxes for all Americans for one year. You’ll see companies open up and be able to hire people, consumer debt retired, consumer confidence increase and the pressure we all feel will be released and true economic innovation can be fostered. Plus, it will cost the government far less than the $2.56T on the docket.
Recently, my son and I went to my in-laws to work on their computer. On the way back, he asked, “Daddy, are we going to go on the bumpy road?” Let me stop here: he classifies roads into one of two categories – bumpy and blue. The bumpy ones are the concrete interstate roads – quite a comment for our friends at the DOT, but that’s not the point – just interesting. The asphalt roads are the blue ones. He prefers the blue ones – especially when we take my 4×4 truck to go places – because they are smoother and don’t jar his tiny brain around as much. My in-laws live in a community that is on the other side of the AR river and we have to cross the river using a bumpy road to go back and forth.
Resume story:
I answered, “Yes, we have to go back on the bumpy road to get home.”
“Why?” (imagine a 3-yr old whine there).
“Because that’s the only way to get from here to home.”
He countered with, “But I don’t like bumpy roads.” (pitiful-meter at full tilt now)
“I’m sorry, but there’s not another way home.”
This exchange happened to resonate with me at another level right there in the truck. I thought about life and how bumpy it can be and how at times, I long for a stretch of blue road every once in a while. Even more profound is the thought that we must endure the bumpy roads to get HOME.
God didn’t design life with only blue roads for a host of reasons, but one that I was reminded of is that the bumpy roads make me look forward to home that much more. Hope in heaven is lost on me most of the time as I’m such a “here, now” guy, so I’m glad that God uses those around me (my kids especially) to help me glance up and out from time to time.
How about you – is it time to look toward something rather than enduring the here and now?
Taking care of babies is a young man’s sport and I’ve never felt older. I’m not sure what changes I thought this baby would bring to our home life, but exhaustian, frustration and selfishness weren’t anywhere on the list. Don’t hear me wrong, Graceanna has brought a bunch of other things too – good things like life, newness, joy and gratefulness just to name a few, but caring for a newborn is hard.
Because we adopt our children, we get to “share” the effort of feedings throughout the night. We’ve tried several permutations of how this works – from one night on and next night off to “you take first shift and I’ll take next”…alternating style, which is what we’re using today. The good news is that the baby is healthy and eating well, which lessens the craziness that could be.
Another challenge I didn’t fully know to anticipate is moving from a zone to man coverage. Our older child is a great young boy, but boy nevertheless. He loves his cars and riding bikes and running, climbing and jumping. Sitting still and playing quietly in the corner aren’t part of his nature, which I’m glad for on the one hand because I like boys to act like boys – it gets a bit much to handle when you are at the very end of your capacity to string two sentences together, much less engage a 3-yr old in the way he needs.
But, by God’s grace and our own self-preservation instincts, we’ll make it through. Brighter days are ahead – at least they better be. For now, we’re in survival mode and survive we will.
As I sit reflecting over the past few days, I’m compelled to admit that I’m still not quite sure I’ve unpacked all that has occurred. You see, on Tuesday, September 16 – I became the father of a African American baby girl through the anguish of adoption. In the span of 15 seconds, my world changed forever and in ways that I’ve only begun to grasp.
Being an adoptive parent is a unique challenge – dreams have died and unforeseen valleys traversed, yet in the end, being a father has filled more holes in my heart and soul than I knew existed.
Adding to the mix new is being the parent of a girl (our first is a boy) and on top of that – the head of a multi-racial family. The responsibility is crushing and the doubts mounting. I’ve found myself praying for God’s wisdom, strength and courage more in the past few days than ever; relying on what I know of His character to instill peace.
What’s stranger yet is the love I’m developing for this beautiful little girl. I find myself dreaming about her future and getting excited about being a part of it – and I didn’t even know she existed a week ago.
The roads ahead offer many challenges for our family, some we’ll be prepared for and others we won’t and it is the latter that sober me. It is in those times that you get a glimpse into your own mettle – sometimes to discover a weak, cowardly, small man staring back.
In the end, I look at Graceanna Catherine Manatt as the most wonderful gift from God and know that standing behind that small man is a great God that can be counted on to watch over her…and me.
To those “valley-goers” of our family – I reserve a special place in my heart for you all. Without your love and support, I’m not sure where we’d be – I’m confident though that it wouldn’t be here.
So, without further ado – let me introduce you to Graceanna Catherine.
